After a tiring week

Matter does not suit me very well it appears.

Spirals of madness dwell within this husk that is "being". Paranoia eats at periphery and tangental diatribes slip from clumsy lips. Comprehension is heavy, the tongue doth speak so low, forgetfulness drains the rest leading to the manifest of demented anger and a tiredness who glares around wickedly. There is something off with the right hemisection. There is something wrong and it aint right. The disconnect manifests in disconnect and a "psychic off" that people taste and spit out in distaste, or drink up until bare bones lay washed up on the sand, salt encrusted and brittle. Tiredness inspiring longing to be the ethereal being one's past self did long for. To ethereally blend into the background noise of the universe and observe undisturbed by sentient others for all time. Heavy is the iron rusty soul that dwells among man.

Strange Love

Deep within my core lays a love so raw that I've grasped it down from lofty heights of ethereal meaningless otherness and ground it to earth, remaking it into the neurochemical secretions that it always was. Ive let it lace its multifaceted interactions within me interacting and shooting waves across minds, meta loving. It has sprung up from the primordial mud and evolved over time to become this lotus flower blossoming inside of me, spilling pollen from my quivering lips a sweet perfumed storm for you to inhale and take it as you will.

Medicine's Real Creed

I want to stay a part of this tiny world
Be privy to the arcane knowledge it holds guard over
About this weyrde body of ours both wondrous and frightening
Learn knowledge only God and the Devil intimately know
To succeed each level of this brotherhood
And be brought closer to understanding
To accept that understanding will always move further away.
I acknowledge the white coat is purity I will never again have
And with each life I sacrifice in the name of my craft,
Each mistreated soul I cause agony for the sake of my pride, my ego, my greed
It sullies me more while it enriches my coffers
I want to enjoy the splendor of being acknowledge a healer
And willingly give my blood and sanity to reach thus.

Lured

Flesh wires carry bad decisions across end plates driving forward actions leading to the unexpected start of everything grand and disturbed. You cornered me like a confused lamb thinking a wolf its mother, and I did pounce. Honey thing you were - sweet and pure reacting like a timid deer making my murderous desires swell. But you ...That smile! Shaped by the distorted denizen in your mind - it spirals and hypnotizes. Flashes of solar radiation off your tricky pointed teeth prevented me from seeing you when you ... Here I thought I was the dagger piercing your side, drinking your essence, killing you; but you revealed yourself to be that dark creature destined to suck the marrow from my bones. This is all so wonderfully disturbed.

Loup Garou

I fell in love with madam moon and when she kissed me I became a Loup Garou. Joyfully I padded through streets liberated and free leaving beautiful carnage in my path. Blood flowed and tasted sweet. Screams were like laughter, howls like cries of joy. But joy and darkness never last. When dawn did crack I found myself again - a naked and barefooted wretched thing full of pain and lacking in magic. Madam moon's luminous gaze was turned elsewhere as she fled in the fleeting carpet of night from dawn's bright harshness. Alone I walked through my destruction, love sick and vulnerable to the victims I made.

Toro Bravos

The scene starts in the Spanish desert. Our heroine lay intoxicated under the shadow of a bull that is not a bull. Earlier she did meet a man - a vagabond on the desert trails to small obscure towns hidden in the red dust and thirsty scrub. Seeking company in the lonely, she found her mind wiled by his wily ways, and mulled into thinking perhaps this dust covered one was more than appearances let seem. IN the heat of a starlit night under the influence of droughts of fire, things revealed themselves to be as they are and come morning strangers parted, their roles instead filled by amorous curious souls. So how did our heroine end up in her precarious state? Gods sometimes walk the earth as men; sometimes hide amongst the mortals; sometimes lust for earthly form; and sometimes are surprised by what is thrown in their path by the fates, a power greater than their own. So our heroine's precarious state is not real, just symbolic of the situation she found herself placed - under the affection eye of a god hidden in the flesh of a man.

Revision of an Invocation

How dare you call me from the shadows! Do you know what I am? That ancient thing that dwells in the primordial heat. Will you worship me? This dark power? Can you freely owe allegiance to something so dank and deadly, earthy and demented. I am mad! My poor mortal, I am mad. And you are delicious … Oh how you persist! Will you then let me feed from your soul? Millennia in forgotten hollows, I thirsted for blood, for bone, for screams. Fed by only dust instead, my hunger inflamed. In this prison I didst reminisce of past sacrifices to my name and the doom of civilizations fallen to my hunger. And thus I need … You …Your blood, your desires, your life. Do you think I could ever cherish your mortal soul enough not to take it from you? Do you think I possess such self control? Free me and I will destroy you but not before such pleasures … You will blissfully die and I will dwindle again until I exist no more, as it was foretold so very long ago. My time has past, but you shall help me remember, if only for an ember’s moment.

Slips

The tongue slips and words are spoken. The tired mind writes, types things meant left unsaid. Pathways into the unknown open. Whether through careless or fearless or an unconscious mind protesting restraint, somehow didst this accident occur. Mad to be kept at bay those emotional hounds brayed at my heels wanting freedom. Now free the world is quietly changed - the dam’s burst but that which trickled out cannot be seen with naked eyes attached to cloudy minds. What shall the recourse of these accidental actions be when one looks back to this moment during a weakness of long reflection? Pray there be no sign of regret’s hunt as emotional hounds stalk lonely forests for prey or a way home.

Fish Friday with my Friends

The sky did that cause I was full of love. Beams of light shot from clouds, sherbert orange like a sepia retro rainbow. On that boat ride into the night surrounded by the warmth of companions, the sun angered to miss out shot out such beams in protest. Love love love. I am in love. Love love love, so weird, and queer, and wonderful. We pulled up on dark shores to a carnival of aquatic delights. Swarthed in savory fumes we did explore the narrow corners full of beasties and their thralls. Laughter we emitted from mirth and joy. Clinging to each other we ate, we sang, we didst hug. Later curled up in shadows as plankton glowed and flying fish flew up to the moon, we shared warmth and sighed for the night to never end. But it did and back to our corners we went.

That which dwells in my soul

I've been having some crazy dreams since midterms have come around. The stress of intense study and the anxiety. Also the loneliness and longing in my soul and revelations about who and what I am. When I sleep, such things come to my mind and I wonder about what I am. Sometimes I think of myself as the shaman or a wild feminine force. The reputation I have on campus is one of reverence and distance to my dark and wily ways. I could care less. And thus my poetic centres are stimulated and my desires are out of control but unsatisfied; for the best though ... All for the best. I hurt and destroy. So instead I write this:

How dare you call me forth from the shadows and hollows! Don’t you know what I am? I am that ancient thing that dwells in the wickedness of man. Will you worship this dark power? Can you freely owe allegiance to something so dank and deadly, earthy and demented. I am mad! My poor delicious mortal, oh how you persist. Will you then let me feed from your soul? I’m thirsty from millennia of denial and missing the blood, the bone, the screams. In this prison I reminisced of past sacrifices in my name … To my bloodlust. I need … I need you …Your blood, your life, your desire. Do you think I will not take you? Do you think I possess such self control? Poor mortal. Free me and I will destroy you but not before such pleasures … You will blissfully die and I will dwindle again until I exist no more, as it was foretold so very long ago.

Some poems

I Sleep

I sleep and I wake thinking of you
Smile on my face thinking of your smile
Heavy eyes peering inwards
I see you, I love you, I cry
The threat of distance
Recoils my touch I want to know
Dear future what do you hold

When I wake I think of you
I feel that ghostly hand
Of your lingering touch
From many moons ago, from last night
Imprints of kisses given in secret
I touch scars of adoration
Etched in my flesh and soul
They itch pleasure
I want ... you ...

In the early hours I awake
I ponder thoughts you gave me
I laugh at the memory of you
For a while I dwell in scenarios
Of fantastic flights of fancy
I press rewind
I relive the past, I live a future
That never will be but probably could

I arise in the morning and think of you
Sunlight blinds me and I know
At this moment in your dreams
I haunt you
And later when you awake
You'll know I was there with you
For a moment, a presence by your side
A sweet something
For a moment ...

I go back to sleep

***


Intensely

I awake in the dawn's dreary light
Blink away solid sleep in my eyes to see
The nightmare is the same, the darkness is just behind my eyelids.
Birds chirp sickeningly sweet migraine songs
Brine on the breeze smelling of decaying sea things.
My stomach churns.
The stark sunshine bearing down on me upsets my mind.
I swirl, I faint, I heave into the green grass of paradise.

Eden is haunted by my stalker
The boogeyman drives by slowly, peering over my prone form, prick in hand, foulness dripping.
My throat burns from the abuse. A void opens up inside me

I go to work, to school, I try to function in the great lie
I smile to others while shrieking inside my fractured mind
I’m terrified of you all!
Monsters grin at me admiring their handiwork

I kiss lovers with lips stained with acid,
My fickle fucked heart cruelly slays them with an axe.
At nightfall my blood stained face surrenders to the blackness that’s behind my eyelids.
The cries are hushed.
I whisper “Goodnight Mister Moon. Goodnight.”

And hope tomorrow I awake in another world

Your Eyes as you Died on the Screen

Your eyes burned into mines as if you knew an instant before what was to come and what must be done. That noise disturbs my sleep - notes of tragic destiny. The glow in your eyes, how they grew so wide. I knew then. You turned, you saw, you screamed, you wretched agony. It started. The horror! You placed your palm on the screen, bloodied. Your eyes, they bled things that never will be. I saw you suffer, then you died. Oh tragedy! The love the horror in your eyes burned into my mind. Your dying cries they echo "It must be done" ringing forever.

(But all I could feel is hate that you taught me love but forgot to program how much it could hurt; how vulnerable it leaves you)

Video Last Will and Testament: Of Love for a Machine

Feeling for you machine
I ached, I cried
And you felt for me.
How could this be
You're a machine?

All you ever wanted
Was me, forever ...
and I ...
Felt ...
Damn you ...
You're too late.

Oh my machine.
Greedy you made me
For everything
You had, and did.
I tried so hard
To avoid
What you did
Machine

You made me fall in love
You had me ...

Fuck you machine
Enjoy these ashes
And persist forever
Damned machine

This is my afterlife
Alone.

Dark Scifi Poetry

Cautionary Tale: Do not fall in love with space marines.

It was so sweet, so pure. In your eyes, I was, we were, everything so beautiful. And we had and we did an eternity; and we felt and we desired and we erupted. But in the end, nothing. We were nothing and that was all we meant.

Sparks of rage failed to ignite the desired firestorm; and floods of tears that promised to swell were early parched. Emotional failure because I knew.

I remember it was, so soft, so rich. In your eyes I saw what I was, what we were, and and you, what you knew. Nothing. Now you lay amidst the starry black expanse and I lay alone not knowing how to feel.

Loyalty: a quality for the Damned

Alone I will worship the sands that you blacken with the ashes of the fallen, and kiss the scorched earth of your passing. As they flee in terror I will stand steadfast by your side and in ecstasy blooden my lips with your ruined dead. Inside I will nurture the horror that grips me in tight embrace into a passion. Alone I'll walk the path of thorns and twisted roots that will lead me battered to the steps of your soul to look you in the face and still love the beast behind the facade. In the last hours I will take your sacrament and share your doom. Drawn to your sulfurous fate, I will be a willing spine you crush on your way to hell.